I thought things had changed a lot since the time I grew up in the heady '60's and '70's in the Midwestern United States. I think most of us young girls weren't told much about sex, and how we could be objectified, abused, molested, and/or be taken advantage of quite quickly when we stepped out into the world. Most men and boys were good, but it takes only one bad apple to do a lot of damage.
A girl learned quickly if she was experimenting with alcohol, her chances of suffering an attempted sexual assault went up drastically. She was almost "fair pickings." Illegal drug use was widespread, and a common trick was for an older guy to tempt young girls with trying marijuana or some harder drug, then take advantage of a girl while her defenses were down and she was under the influence. This worked well on another level - the girl was less likely to report what happened to a parent or other adult because it made her seem to them like a 'bad girl' for trying drugs. So she probably said nothing in shame.
Often the mistreatment could be much more blatant. Lower on the scale could be when women were 'cat-called', or whistled at, in public. I think often this is more than a show of sexual attraction on the part of a male - it's a power thing over women. A way of dehumanizing, marginalizing, disrespecting. Or the abuse is actually physical. Groping, pinching bottoms in crowds, bars, public places. A thrill, a way of 'getting away with' something. An act to remember and brag about later.
Then there's the taking surreptitious photos or videos of women. Looking through windows, following them. Peeping Toms. Why aren't there Peeping Tinas? So many women have stories. I remember in college there was a common practice at parties of young men making punch bowls full of Everclear alcohol and Koolaid or juice, for the explicit purpose of getting young women intoxicated. Men would look out for each other, and if a guy led a drunk girl up to a secluded bedroom, said guy's friends would stay out of the way and keep the coast clear for him to proceed with an assault.
Then there are stories of Bill Cosby, of all admired and respected people, allegedly drugging dozens of women in order to more easily assault them. Domestic violence exists at incredible levels. In 2017, the CDC reported that more than half of all female homicide victims were killed in connection to intimate partner violence. Black and indigenous women face the highest rates of homicide of all women in the U.S. Hispanic women who are killed, were the most likely to be murdered as the result of partner violence. It's this that accounts for 61 percent of female Hispanic homicides in this country.
How many of us have stories from our own lives, about the women around us? We all know somebody. Someone who was assaulted on a date, accosted by a family member, a trusted family friend or authority figure. A woman close to me, who is now in the military, was severely beaten by a boyfriend who, out of his normal character, took some cocaine and went into a drug-fueled rage. She barely escaped with her life. She's a brave survivor, but she's never been the same.
I write all this to say: if a women comes forward with a story, give her a moment. Don't assume she has an ulterior motive. The decks are stacked against her. There's no joy, no payoff, in sharing this painful information. Listen to her. Give her the floor. Hear her, and allow her to talk. It's the least we can do.
